Physio is hard.. and its okay to let go..

I went into this year with an unchangeable outlook on uni - to completely finish off 3rd year by June and start 4th year in July. The plan was to graduate in July 2016. Onwards and forwards right?

Placement and just being back at uni was overwhelming. After a month of preclinicals, and then, in the first 2 weeks of placement, all my plans came crashing down. I felt like I was constantly behind, trying to prove myself, and yet I did not remember the most fundamental, crucial things from my first and second years.. I was so stressed out and anxious that I lost 3 kg in a month (yes, should be happy about this but I just.. didnt even have time to reflect and enjoy my newfound weightloss). The anxiety was horrible.

I finally broke down and started crying infront of my clinical educator. She was very nice, but quite firm that if I continued to panic and stress there was a chance that I would not be able to pass as I would not be able to perform in the upcoming exam. So that very day, I went straight into uni and spoke to both the course and subject coordinators, who took one look at me and straightaway suggested pulling me out of the course and that I needed to take some time to relax and unwind (yes i broke down and cried in front of them too).

Upon reflection, it was really challenging coming back to uni, especially after 11 months of being away. Also, I do feel that much of my anxiety and stress comes from the fact that I did not do ample revision, thus I didnt feel confident. At all. Also, my family and home life suffered - even though I was physically there cooking dinner, looking after the kids, mentally all I could think about was how bad I was doing.

I am usually not such a bad student. I've made the Uni Merit Awards (the top 15% of the course) for the past 3 years running, and the only reason why I'm not beating myself up for not making the Chancellor's list (top 5%) is because I feel I've got enough on my plate at the moment (a good-looking, cheeky and loving 4 year old and a happy bubbly baby to look after, not to mention the housework, chores, and being a wife to my patient and very awesome husband).

So its okay to fail. Technically I didn't fail, just withdrew with no consequences to my GPA, as I pulled out before all the assessments were made. But its okay to fail at wanting to have kept my schedule for uni.

I also saw a counsellor who helped me make the decision to postpone this subject to next semester. She basically helped me count the cost - what suffers? your health? family life? or would you prefer to compromise the time it takes to reach your goal?

My ultimate unwavering goal is still to finish Physiotherapy and become a good and effective physiotherapist.. But in the mean time, my short term ones need to be revisited and reset, and they are, in no particular order:

1. To be a good mother and wife to my family.
2. To clean the house and get rid of unwanted junk.
3, To revise for Paeds and Primary and Ambulatory Care well, and pass 3rd year by the end of 2015.
4. To keep my mind and body fit by regular exercises (yes this includes walking the dog!!)

Family fun times..

I've been in Singapore with the kids for nearly 2 months now, living with my parents. It's been such a great time of reconnecting, catching up and spending time with all my family. Very rarely are we all in Singapore at the same time. Majority of the time we haven't gone anywhere special or gone out of our way to do anything, on the contrary just being able to be there for the simple, mundane everyday ADLs  of the Koh family is special. 

Things like meeting my grandparents for lunch, where mama will drive us to explore some new mall, or just going over there for family dinner; visiting my aunties and uncles; waking up in my old room; watching tv on my parent's bed; going to church - the church I grew up in; meeting old friends..

Josh arrived on the 24th... And boy was Jayden excited to see him. 

Also, my brother and sister-in-law took last week off especially to spend time with the family and for Christmas!!! Jayden was really excited to put up the tree - can you believe my parents decided not to have a tree so I ended up putting it up with Jayden. 

And the presents. Oh. The sheer amount. 

Thank you Becca for the T-shirts..

We also visited the zoo, sentosa's port of lost wonders, went out to eat.. Amazing. Truly. I wasn't focused on taking pictures but my dad was!! We ended up getting caught in the heavy torrential Singapore rain, but turns out the water playground is fun.. For any age. 

Merry Christmas, Happy holidaying and a Happy New Year!!!

I thank God for the special and wonderful time of the year.. That He has made possible to share with my family. 

MILESTONE: Jayden: Turning 4.. 22nd December 2014

Dear Jayden,

I know that having a birthday and Turning 4 is a big deal, especially because it only comes round once a year! Tonight you layed in bed and was very excitedly anticipating your Big day tomorrow.. Up till about around 10pm.. It was to the point where I had to tell you off and threaten you to Go To Sleep that you acquiesced...

This past year has simply flown by, and I can't believe how fast you, my little boy is growing up and maturing. When we ask you how old you were, you held 3 fingers up and proudly announced that you were '3 years old!' with a big smile.. Well that's going to have to change from tomorrow onwards. We particularly cherish some memories.. of you asking daddy if he was '4 years old'.. of you getting so angry and panicked and sad when mummy tells you not to grow up.. Of you so proudly welcoming your sister into our little family, (and also getting very angry at people asking if they can take her home away from you)... Of your developing sense of humour - you laughing at the most unexpected things, declaring 'that's so funny mummy!!'..

Most of all we've seen you grow both taller and wiser. You have such a big heart and a fierce love for your family, and we are so so proud to be your mummy and daddy, and thank God every day for you. We pray that you will continue to grow in the year ahead - physically, mentally and spiritually. Oh, and enjoy Kindy!!!

I know there are many years of challenges and life ahead, but for now..
Happy Birthday my little man!!! We hope you enjoy tomorrow.

Love,
Mummy and Daddy

MILESTONE: Kayla: First solid food.. Thursday, 18th December 2014

#singaporetrip2014

Won't say much, but will let the video talking.
We decided to start her on solids today, and in the video my mum is feeding her applesauce.
Josh, this is for you..

MILESTONE: Kayla: Rolling over! Sunday, 14th December 2014

#Singaporetrip2014

And no.. I missed it!! 

It was around 9.30am in the morning and I was getting the kids ready for church. I laid her down on the bed and went to get her bath ready. As I filled the tub with water I could hear her crying and making all sorts of noises (do babies shout?) so I went back into the room to investigate and found her lying on her stomach!! 

I tried putting her on her back and videoing her after for a good 2 minutes in hopes that she would repeat it to no avail!

Good news is I managed to get shots of her immediately after the event. Naturally after cheering her on  and saying loads of things like 'YAY!!!' and 'good girl!!!' I think she looks mighty pleased with herself here, at 5 months 11 days in Singapore just after turning over by herself for the first time!

'Where's dat Mozzie??!!!'

Recently, Jayden has taken quite a liking to swatting bugs. Coincidentally it's nearing summer so there are an increasing number around lately. Today after spotting one we saw him perform a flying kungfu type move by jumping off a chair and swatting the air with my trusty fly swatter, all the while yelling 'where's dat mozzie!!! I'm gonna GETCHA!!!' 

Reminds me so much of myself. I've been known to do that very same move. Once it was nearly 2am and I couldn't sleep because of this pesky mozzie which kept on biting my ankles and feet. Let me tell you, aside from stepping on Lego, this is the absolute WORST thing - itchy ankles!!! I finally had it, turned on the light, jumped up and grabbed my swatter, all the while muttering 'I'm gonna kill that mozzie.. Where's dat mozzie.. I'm gonna get him...' The itching drove me mad!!! Well I spotted that stupid mozzie on the ceiling, so I did the most logical thing.. stood on my bed, stepped (accidentally) on Josh and SMACK!!! Ahh the satisfaction.

I don't know how Jayden was awake at 2am to hear me mutter.. I don't even think he was born yet. But when Josh saw him oh did it bring back the memory of waking up to his slightly deranged wife who in order to get to a mozzie, stepped on him and woke him up... 

All I can say is.. Oooh Yeeaah!! Let those mozzies come!!! 

Bath time for Kayla

At 2.5 months old, she is starting to respond to you when you talk to her.. She actually gurgles back sometimes. She especially loves it when you sing to her. But what she loves most... Is bath time. 

Yes, my baby girl enjoys her bath. Every time we put her in the water it is smiles, happy gurgles and pure, unadulterated baby joy all around, you can literally see her facial expression, and it is the exact same one that I wear whenever I go for a massage or a facial. Yes, pure bliss. Enough said, I will let the pictures do the talking..